Don't rain on my parade

I've been up since five-forty five and have only had 360 calories. Not too bad. It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm going to campus soon, then to a friends house, then to work to get my paycheck (and visit J.). Then I'll be home. A home with no junk food is a home I'm happy in. But I'm starving, and feeling bitchy.

My teeth hurt. I've got an appointment with the big D. on Saturday. That's right, the Dentist. Goody for me. I only hope he says nothing about their enamel. I really hope no embarrassing E.D talks come up. Fuck you, Mr. Just clean them and fill them and we'll be good. It sucks that I have to do this when I'm home visiting with my sister and baby nephew, but whatevs. That's my luck.

I skipped two classes today. I am doing horrible in school. I took a test this week that I surely failed. I've got 5/10 on two quizzes. I'm supposed to graduate in December but I'll tell you all my big secret: I forgot to register for graduation. Greattttt. How was I supposed to know that had to be done the first week of school? My advisor did not tell me! I've never graduated from a university, how the fuck was I supposed to take care of this? 

Initiative. You're right. I should have taken some initiative and found out for myself. I'm a failure.

I don't feel necessarily fat today, just a little bloated. The good news is that my jeans are too baggy, so I actually put them in the hot dryer for a while to shrink them. The bad news is that I'm still not happy with my body.

I can't seem to do anything but sit around and smoke weed. I spent $90 on my hair yesterday (wash, cut, highlights) and I'm feeling some buyer's remorse today. I had no business spending that money. I've been spending spending spending like crazy. I do not live within my means. I spend like I'm rich. I buy things like I don't care or need to worry about money. It's bad.

Because I still don't have enough. I am still not satisfied with my wardrobe. I do not have a winter coat, which is horrible because of where I live. I do not have winter boots. I resent my parents, siblings, friends... hell, I resent myself.

I need a fix because I'm going down. (J.L. always knows).

Oh, how I despise myself today! I thought I'd be feeling so happy because of my hair and because this week is nearing an end. But I don't. I feel morose, moody, mentally unstable... 

Tonight my friend and I are going out to a bar where T.'s band is playing. They're actually good, but why the fuck do I want to support him? He won't even be my friend. I don't give a rat's ass about him. But I like music. I especially like listening to live music.

Being in between a rock and a hard place sucks.

Well I should probably stop blogging, get off my ass, put some pants on, drive to school, and freaking learn.

This pic was on zette's blog but I love it so I'm resposting it:

I want to be her. 

Think thin.

*

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

*

Food

*

xo~Sar

Within you

Good morning and my throat is killing me. That's what I get for [not gently] shoving my fingers down my throat in a moment of panic and rage last night. My voice is raspy and quite honestly I feel the beginnings of sickness. Perfect. So damn much going on this week and the last thing I fucking need is to be anything less than in the perfect health.

Even now, I'm screwing shit up. I woke up at 5:55 AM so I could shower and properly prepare [ie: memorize the notes for my quiz at 8] but all I could do was blast the heat to warm up and prepare some hot tea in hopes of soothing my ragged throat. It is now twenty five minutes past six and I'll be late unless I start getting ready now. So no shower. Change of plans for the day. Luckily it's raining, so that'll be my excuse for looking like swamp thing.

Today:

Finish this blog post, get ready, drink copious amounts of tea [no food].
Class at eight.
Cancel counseling appointment [sucks but what can you do?], come straight home after class, and nap for an hour or so.
Wake up, take a quick, energizing shower, and study for test at two.
Take test at two. See how I'm feeling. Skip last class if necessary.

Come home, get in bed, READ, SLEEP.

If everything goes as planned [which it probably won't - but it's nice to be hopeful in the innocent morning] then I will have fasted the day away.

No more screw ups like last night.

I just want to get back in bed, pull the covers up high, and sleep past this stressful day. Although that's not an even close to an option.

I just got up and looked in the mirror. *shudders*

Ugh, when will I not hate what I see?

[the answer is: GET THIN]

Take care.

xo~ Sar

Mmm yeah

Oh boy. I'm not even sure where I left off. My life has been caught up in a whirlwind. I've been here and there, talking to him and him, chilling with her, smoking with them, walking with J #1, working with J #2. Oh wow. It's Monday still? I feel like time is flying and all I can do is run to catch up.

In other words, I am sitting here smoking -should be studying- and can't stop thinking about gorgeous J... I just got home from work, he was there. We talked so much and flirted and then he accidentally flung a rubber band at my forehead and it got awkward. But only a little. He's hilarious. And honestly, truly, nice. And fucking disgustingly beautiful, my goodness. He lights my fire.

I act like a cocky fool in front of him. My exterior is sort of hard. My interior leaves something to be desired.

30 minutes later
I just binged.

I ate lots of chocolate, chips & salsa, & pizza. I've been home from work for about two and a half hours and I just ingested so many calories. Wow. That's what I get for starving all fucking day - a binge. Now I want to puke. Fuck.

Save me.

I'm so sick.

Edit * 20 minutes later
I just purged. Everything.

It was weird, ranging from the slow moving sickly sweet tomato taste to the brown brownie bits mixed with bile shooting out of me fast and furiously. Sickening. Hope you lost your appetite.
I feel better though.
My bathroom smells like a barf-room. My stomach hurts, as does my throat. I puked up some calories and that's all that matters right now. I refuse to binge when things with J. may or may not be promising, either way I will be thin.

I always save purging as a worst case scenario type of thing and tonight truly was an emergency. I need some aspect of control, seeing as how I have two tests tomorrow, a book that needs to be read by Wednesday, another test on Thursday, followed by lots of family bonding time this weekend. Where's my time? When do I get to decide? Rarely ever, and that's why I b/p.

Good night. Don't be a fool, like me. Wish me luck with J. - I feel as if I have the upper hand right now, but he's just too freaking attractive so he could get it back real quick. We texted each other tonight after work each saying how hot we thought the other was. He also complimented my intelligence and "cool" factor. Yup.

At least I got those dreadful calories out. I officially declare Monday a good day.

Let's hope for an awesome Tuesday.

Think thin :)

xo~Sar

You promise spring and still my lover won't return to me

Saturday. Finally. This long ass week ended and I'm glad. I've even got something to look forward to: my sister and my nephew are coming to visit next weekend. So I took off work and I'll be heading home for a night. Or two. We'll see how much I can tolerate.

Last night I met up with J. (hot guy I work with) after I closed at work. He texted me, asking if I'd want to meet for a drink or something. I thought long and hard about it. I was sweating, but I had brought deodorant and body spray to work with me in my bag. I had nothing to wear, only what I had on, which was a gray tank top under my work polo shirt. I don't usually wear tank tops due to my paranoia over flabby arms. However it just so happens that I did three sets of twenty arm lifts. So I said yeah, sure, meet me here.

He was standing outside, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking god-like. The first thing he said was obviously hey and then, very sincerely, you look like you've just had a long day. He is seriously psychic. I totally did have a long fucking day. We remained in tune the rest of the night. We were together for only like two and a half hours but it was pretty sweet. He is a total gentleman. He didn't even try to make a move, which surprised me and impressed me.

He knows what it's like getting hit on all the time, just like I do. So I suppose he respects or reckons that I'd like something a tad more untraditional. Or maybe ........

Ahh, I could keep going on, but I won't. I'm so sick of wondering and worrying about the future, which is UNKNOWN.
No, I don't want a relationship, No I don't believe this guy will fall in love with me, No I am not sure, I am scared and full of excuses and justifications and mind and heart altering moral dilemmas.

He is great though. I had a great time. At the end of the night T. showed up, girlfriend glued to his side with his electric guitar strapped to his back. We locked eyes, briefly.

It means nothing. I refuse to make a damn thing out of it! He lives with her. He loves her. I am independent, and this is good.
But T. obviously saw J. We all work together. And honestly, it's pretty fucked up of me to ALWAYS go after the hottest guy at work. It was T. before, but every one fucking knows that J. is way hotter than T., and he's hanging with me. Therefore I'm the work ho.

Fuck it all. I ain't no ho, yo.

But you don't give a shit about this. You are wondering how I am doing on my journey to thin. Well my answer is that I don't know how much I weigh, so I can't give you a number. Weighing is stupid. I'd rather go by how my clothes fit. That scale and the number chilling on it freak me out and I must stay far, far away.

I love how people love talking to me about diets, bloating, and the such. It's like, oh, there's a thin[ish] girl, let's make her uncomfortable by talking about bodies and food and fat and thin. Eff you bitches I do it my way, you should just start by saying no to second helpings.

I keep talking to myself, I am so out of it. I want to go do something to my hair, like highlights. I want to do it today, but something is holding me back. Maybe I don't want to spend the money? No, that's not it. I just don't want to leave my hair in the hands of an amateur.

I gotta go, I'm rambling and babbling but hanging with J. last night really gave me the chills. He is adorable but he's almost too gorgeous. I must find a flaw. No, maybe I musn't. Lmao I need coffee..


Think thin, PLEASE JUST THINK THIN TODAY!

<3~S.

Loathe, my pretty

All of a sudden I'm talking to three guys. Pimpin' ain't easy. My head gets all hot and I sense my face flush when I admit to myself how badass I feel. It's awkward. And all week I've been walking around with a bright red pimple on my (normally clear) face, so go figure that. I've saw all of them this week. Jeez. Now it's just about the weekend, and I'm freaking out. This guy J. I haven't blogged about yet. There are two J.'s and a C.

Lmao. Anyway.
J. is super sexy and tall. We unfortunately work together. What is with me? I need to NOT pick up guys at work. It's not my fault though, I'm just my self at work and they are drawn to it, sometimes, not always. I swear I'm not a conceited bitch.

But J... damn. He is the sexiest guy I've ever seen, no lie. He is built like a god and he's really nice! There's a catch, of course ... he's a year and two months younger than me. That's a problem. I don't like younger guys. I like older guys. I've dated younger guys before, but I vowed to stop.

And the other J. is also a tall hottie. We met extremely randomly but get along.
C. is a sweetie who writes me long emails. He is attractive but not mind blowingly so.

I am sick of it though. I really am. I don't want to be so distracted by boys every minute but if they're not there I'm not happy. I like it and I hate it. Same with this e.d. I like it and don't wish to give it up, at the same time I despise myself for being so idiotic around food, and for making up food rules, and for purging expensive food; I despise having two sides to this story. I despise being a victim to circumstance and human nature. I wish I was invincible. I wish I was completely independent and glorious. I feel like I am out of control. I am smoking more and more and more and more and more oh and I'm smoking right now. I have missed a few classes but school has been going on for a month so I don't feel too bad I suppose.

I worry that I'm leading all of these boys on. I fear that I'll never let go of this e.d. because there is no love when I love punishing myself. No man should have to deal with that, deal with me..

So I won't allow it. I can't dedicate myself to this and that. I do not wish to become fatter, and that's what will happen when I stop caring. I care about getting thin. It's something that matters to me. That's significant, because lately nothing matters.


I've ate today. I'm at about 1300 calories, but it's night, and I'm going to bed. I hate myself sometimes. I feel like I started this post off happily and slowly fell down the slope. I let my brain chill for a minute, I let it take a step back and point accusingly in my direction and say, "See, you freak? It's too much, slow it up before you crash."

Do I listen? Hahahaha

Nope.

I am so out of it.

In one of my classes this semester there are maybe 7 girls in the class. Every girl is thin. There are three that are thinner than me for certain. Two of them are short and thin, so they are just tiny people which I cannot relate to. The other is tall, like me. She's thinner. It's on, bitch.

Think thin ...

x0~SaR

They hate each other.

Hungry (yes I said it)

Hey,
 I was hoping for some helpful comments on that last post. Didn't get any, LOL. I guess no one can solve my problems ... only me, myself, and I. Fasted today. Until now. I'm fucking starving and just ordered a mini 4-slice veggie pizza from my local deli. Isn't that just wonderful? I didn't pick it up yet, but I'm about to.

 I know that even if I eat the whole thing I won't breach my calorie limit for the day. That is a good thing. It's terrible that I'm giving in, and eating. But I'm beyond stressed and if I don't eat something resembling a meal I will likely snack the night away on fattening shit. It's honestly better in today's situation for me to eat some oven-baked veggie pizza and be filled up so I don't snack.

 Snacking is bad. Eating is bad. Why am I giving in, really? Too many reasons to count. I am a sick fool.

*30 minutes later*

I'm back. I ate two slices and put it in the fridge. The good news is that I'm still so hungry. The other good news is that I am officially done eating. I am exacting control over the situation. I am taking charge.

I am also smoking [surprise, surprise]. I enjoy getting high. I've smoked for years. I am not saying this is a positive thing. Just saying.

So tonight I have two choices regarding plans: (1) Take a walk with J. this new guy I met. OR (2) Get a drink with C. to talk, because I blew him off last week.

HmMm.

I'll decide shortly. It's already nine at night, though. Maybe I'll say fuck off to both of them and go to sleep.

Oh, my pounding head.

Shaky hands.

Dizziness.

Am I sick?

 ---in the head, maybe.

Can't think straight.
Peace..

xo~Sar

That little whipper snapper

So Friday wasn't so good. Me and my bestie had a great time catching up and partying, but my night turned sour after I saw T. play guitar in his band. He was majestic. (Did I really just say that?) He is emotionally UNavailable and currently living with his girlfriend. I found this out at the bar when I asked his buddy if they were serious.

I was really drunk at this point. I started crying. Not extremely or obvious, but I was shedding real tears over that asshat.

Ha.

I'm pretty sure I acted a fool. All night. We even took a taxi home because I was such a drunken mess. I scarfed down half of an eggplant parmesan sub in my "glory". I passed out cold with all my jewelry on. I woke, feeling indifferent to the situation, and very very out of it. Drinking mass quantities sucks, and kills so many brain cells.
(In case you're wondering the sub was NOT good, it was greasy and gross and very very bad for me) (and you ... stay away)

Saturday was a day of recovery. I chilled out and smoked and ate some microwaved frozen foods. 

The next day was Sunday - my parents came to visit.

I'd like to just end it there but that's pointless. Their visit was just depressing. But hey I should be happy, right? I got a free dinner out of it, yay, that's what they're probably thinking though. Fuck that. I was hoping for some decent conversation or something. What I got was two very depressed people stuffed into my small studio apartment. My Dad turned on the tv before I could take off my shoes and watched football. My Mom sauntered around, looking through things and opening my fridge (wtf?) while making small talk and complimenting my mediocre interior decorating skills.

I feel sick just remembering it.

My Dad was in another world. He was there at dinner, eating, but not really there in the sense that I'd like. We could have chatted. I tried. I gave him a book for his belated birthday (which was a few days after mine, I just didn't see him) but he seemed less than thrilled about it. He gave it to my Mom to put in her purse.
He did not give me a birthday gift this year. Actually, as far back as I can remember my Dad has never specifically given me a gift from him. It was always this "joint endeavor" ... forever in my Mom's handwriting. Just like Christmas.

My relationship with my Dad reflects my relationships with most guys, most recently being T. I crave the attention of someone who does not need me. My Dad started this, by not giving me enough love and attention. I, in return, desperately did anything for his attention. It didn't work for my best interests; his response to my attempts was to get mad and ignore. Both then and now. So Little Miss Daddy Issues aka ME will do just about anything to get a guy, but it's always the guy who's so hard to reach.

Getting back to our evening...

My Aunt and her husband come out of nowhere. They were out on a drive along this route that goes for miles, from town to town and remembered that my parents were visiting me. We were in the middle of dinner and my Mom's phone rang. She answered, of course. Why wouldn't she answer her cell phone in the middle of dinner? They came to visit me in my freaking college town and neither of them wanted to be there and it sucks and it hurts but getting back to my POINT.

My Aunt, Mom, and I ended up talking a walk through this Spiritualist town located nearby. It was decent. I was aware of myself through new eyes, if that makes sense. They were acting so  ... girlish and naive. And there I was, Ms. Adventurous. Ms. Fearless. Ms. Tour Guide.

What the hell? What's with the switching up of the roles? Not that I believe in "roles" but you know? They are the saddest creatures I've seen, sadder than me, even. 

They are both (Mom & Aunt) in unhappy marriages. They're sisters. They never ever lived for themselves. It was straight into a Man's home after leaving the nest. Their nest was a dysfunctional, drunken one. But I don't have the fingers to go there. Mine are already aching from all this heavy handed typing. Heavy-hearted heated heathen, my grandfather was.

I must be feeling poetic today.

Oh. Now I remember why I began this post in the first place. My cat ~that muthafucka~ JUMPED on top of the Tv and knocked the cable box to the floor. It broke.

I rent. Do I contact my landlord or the cable company? Obviously I'll offer to pay for it but holy shit this reallllly sucks and I am not going to do a damn thing about it until later in the week. Shit. Maybe I should email my landlord tonight. 

I'm screwed.

I'm sick of it all.

I need to go take another walk. That was relaxing yesterday. I walked a couple miles yesterday and it really felt good. I am getting high again. I can't blog now. I can't live.

Think thin

Friday

I'm 24 years old but last night I bought a night light. Pathetic, but necessary. I have developed a strange fear of the dark. I've been waking up with a scream, terrified of the blackness of the night. It's just a little bronze star. I feel like a fucking loser admitting that to the world, but it's not like I plan to tell anyone else about it.

To get ready for tonight (my best friend is visiting!):
Take a shower, shave legs, look pretty. Wash dishes. Clean (litterbox, vaccuum, bathroom, empty garbages & recycling). Buy booze. Buy a cute top (maybe). Class at one. Do homework for class. Damn I want to do pretty much all of that before class, and it's already after nine. I also want to blaze but that might have to wait. Maybe not. It's not like I volunteer much in class, anyway. If I'm stoned I'll be peaceful.

Tea. Water. Tea. Water. Gummy Vitamins. Water. Water. Water.

We're going to check out T.'s band tonight. Ohgod. Not because I want to support him, but because I want to distract him. From his gf. I don't exactly envision this happening/going smoothly, so I plan to be quite drunk. The plan is for us to get really fucked up (high & drunk) and "crash" this house party/ house show. I will get as close to the stage as I can when he's performing. Everyone will become enlightened off endorphins as the night proceeds. I will give him a hug and say what a great job he did.
And that's it.

There's tons of other guys around and if T. wants to be chained to his emo girlfriend ... well ... sucks to be him. I'll just be out there getting my game on. With my best friend. SO excited to see her and show her my new apartment. I remember when she came and stayed in my old place (the one that burnt down). We had a really good time :) But there is a better place for her to sleep here. For me too, I love my bed. It's freaking comfortable.

I'm newly obsessed with checking out the "stats" tab on here.

I'm bloated from my friend mother nature. Midols will be popped shortly.

I bought some se7en for all mankind jeans. Yes, I know. I'm not a label freak but they are damn comfy. And a little baggy, which I like.

My hair is a rat's nest right now, lol. A shower will surely help.

My face has been breaking out like WHOA! For the past week of two! What the hell???

I still don't know what I weigh. I kinda wish I did, but I'm kinda glad I don't.

Eats yesterday included a decent amount of veggies and fruit.

Time to do a bunch of stuff, have a great weekend!

Thinspo:

She's gorgeous. I love her dress and arms.

I love her dress too, damn. Maybe today I'll buy a dress.

Nice back. Every other day I twist so I can see my back; I look for bones. Rib bones.

 

I dig the vintage look.

Hey skinny goddess in the flowers.

I'm going to mimic the models. I'd like to be thinner. I am working on it everyday.

Today I don't look half bad :) 

That knowledge propels me forward.

Think thin.

<3~Sar

Strange Magic

I sit here smoking at ten in the morning and I'm thinking about what I'd like to type. I went to class this morning and before heading home, I stopped at Starbucks and bought a spinach feta egg white wrap. I ate most of it, I tossed the last bit of it. I don't know how I feel about all this. Why did I buy that and WHY did I eat that? Was I hungry? I'll be honest with myself and say, yes, I was a little hungry. I skipped breakfast and sat through class drinking black coffee on an empty stomach. That could be the culprit, second only to my gluttony. Coffee on an empty stomach does not always feel good. Especially really early in the morning. I couldn't concentrate and was falling asleep. I think I should always eat a little something before. What a terrible conclusion to arrive at. I don't want to eat.

I am so tired of comparing my body to others all day. Sometimes I think I look ok, sometimes I look in the mirror, horrified, at my stomach. I can't believe I do stomach checks in the college bathrooms, but it's getting bad. I am possessed by this urge to reach true thinness. I need to do it so I can be proud of myself. Pride feels better than guilt.

I have been slacking hardcore on homework and reading since school started. I think I might need some meds to focus. Maybe I should cut back on the grass. Nah.

I am now listening to Jimi Hendrix, "Hey Joe" ... what a groove.

Alright well have a good day. I'm going to try. I'm also going to attempt a fast for the rest of the school day. I am hanging out with C. tomorrow, so I'd like to be my thinnest. I am so sick of this all. I just want to be done.

Drink water, tea, and black coffee if you want a drink. They are all zero cal, taste good, and won't contribute to your fatness. I never drink soda, iced teas, juice, cold coffee drinks, or milk. It's a very strict rule of mine. All that stuff makes you fat, even diet soda so stay away from that shit too. Artificial sugars are still sugars, calorie free or not. And sugar is bad.
I've been cutting out sweets as much as possible lately. My "reason" is so that I don't get diabetes. Another reason is obviously to be thinner.
I am about to cut out dairy completely. It does not agree with me. My stomach is not right when I indulge in dairy. That means no cheese, ice cream, pizza :) None of that crap will I eat. Or if I do, a very SMALL amount so my stomach remains ok. I know ditching the dairy will be good for me in the long run and great for me right now. I don't fucking need it so I'm avoiding it.

And yes, there was feta in my wrap. I guess I'm just a fat hypocrite, but I know it's not going to be easy. That's fine, because no one ever said it was easy. This country caters to the fatties, so there is dairy in everything. I'll start slow but will probably just end up pretending I'm lactose intolerant.

Nap time maybe. Take care, skinnies. Be thin.

"I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" - Radiohead

Sexy Skinny Model

Thinspo for Men and Women!

Think thin*
<3 Sar

Green Tea is Key

I've been up for three hours. In this time, I: rearranged my apartment (again), did all the dishes, did one load of laundry, fed the cat, and (most importantly) did NOT feed me.

It is now just slightly after noon and I'm sitting here with my tea. Soon I will shower and get ready, and then go shopping! I need another pair of jeans desperately. I cannot believe I am STILL rebuilding my wardrobe, but where I live there are four distinct seasons, and I must have appropriate dress for each.

Oh, the fire. My nemesis. Or is it? It happened, and lately I have been trying to take a Christian perspective. I'll try to tell myself, "God would not give me anything I couldn't handle" or "What does not kill me makes me stronger". I don't know if these sayings are true, but when I think them and try to believe them, I feel a little better about it. Just a little though.

Usually when I think about it, my chest tightens up and it becomes hard to breathe. My breath comes in sobs and I feel as if tears are next. I feel scared and mad when I think about the fire that I did not start. I feel like I should sue her. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for me.

So what to do?

Starve, of course.

If I can't be happy, I'll at least be thin.

I have been eating a lot mixed with eating a little, and I know that I haven't gained. I haven't weighed myself in ages, but don't really want to. Honestly I don't think I'll buy a scale. I don't give a fuck what I weigh ... I just want to look and feel thin.

That makes more sense to me. I can't determine my worth by a number, but I can judge myself with my hands and by what I see in the mirror. Oh yes, it is much easier to trust the mirror and my hands running down my body feeling for bones.

I love, in the two seconds before I fall asleep, when my hand goes to rest on its bed: my hip bone. I am so comforted by this. How strange, and yet, how perfect. I'll take being comforted by my bones over being comforted by food any day.

This hot green tea is tasty and filling. It is organic and zero cal. I've been drinking it a lot! I have heard it helps with weight loss and think it really does!

Ok. So. Tonight I will be hanging with C. again. Apparently we are dating. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I love love love my independence, but I also kind of hate it. I am stuck between these two conflicting thoughts and it's driving me mad. I like him, I really do. I think about him when he's not around, I am touched by his kindness, I get excited when he texts me, and we're taking things nice and slow, which is good.

The worst part is that I still feel fat regardless of my "positivity" up there. ^


I do not want him to touch my fatness. What if he tries to pick me up? What if I have to eat in front of him? *shiver* I WILL NOT EAT FOOD IN FRONT OF HIM UNLESS WE FALL IN LOVE. There, that's that. Fuck food. I will ALWAYS have an excuse. I will FUCKING NOT EAT IN FRONT OF THIS HOT GUY.

Am I crazy? Omg I feel so crazy. I have such insane thoughts sometimes, I mean, I recognize that they're insane, so that means I am not insane right???

SIGH.

I am so busy and stressed with school and work. I have been planning to quit my job. I think I just need to do it. I'll have more time and less stress. I FEAR seeing T. now. He hates me and I despise him. I can't risk working with his punk ass ever again. I can't risk talking to him or looking into his damned eyes. I really do hate him and fear him. My attraction to him has lessened, but i'm clearly not over him if "I hate him". I need to just forget him and appreciate the time we had for what it was: nada.

Easier said than done but I promise YOU that I have been trying. Having C. as a distraction helps. Being so busy and living such a chaotic, dramatic life helps.

So I guess I'll end it here. My counseling appointment was CANCELED on Friday ... I felt so let down :(

I need to talk talk talk it out but this is the best I can do, for now. It doesn't help matters that I'm pmsing but what can I do? I won't make the mistake of turning to food, I just WON'T. So you shouldn't either.

I know that whatever is bothering us will NOT be fixed by evil food. What will help is RESTRICTION AND MODERATION. Take that however you want it, I'm done censoring myself.

Think thin*


xo~Sar

Delusional death wish

I am so fat.


I hate everything about my fat self.


Fat fat fat fat fat I'm a fat fat fatty fuck it all.


i fucking wish i was dead. no point being alive when you're too fat to go to class, or too fat to pull up size 5 jeans. omg i hate myself kill me kill me just end it.


I'll never eat again.

Skinnies in the classroom

I'm fat today. Everyday. Some days it is more noticeable than others. Some days I eat until I can't stop. That is the case for this afternoon.

I started the day off restricting, obviously. I paused after class, to tell my professor how moved I felt from the subject matter. At first I had to look away and speak real slow so I wouldn't sob. It was embarrassing. But I am truly amazed at how far women have come and how far we still have to go in terms of civil rights and equality, especially in the work place. I really am fascinated with what we've been learning about, basically it's just American history; we're studying the Cold War Era specifically. I can't believe the reaction it evokes in me ... it's powerful. I couldn't zone out if I tried. My ears strain to hear every word spoken by the others in the room. My heart and mind race as I try to take it all in while simultaneously plotting and planning for a better future America.

Anyway. It led me to a binge. I got all worked up and wanted to eat I guess. No, scratch that. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to fill up the emptiness. It really grows and makes itself felt when I get to thinking about stuff that really matters. I feel so alone in my self. I feel solitary in my thoughts. I feel this strange sense of disconnect. I feel like I'm driving in the dark, lost, through dense woods and curved roads, blindfolded and speeding. It's scary.

My stomach hurts. Here's what I bought and ate this afternoon after school. Bag of Soy Crisps [410], pint of ice cream (I threw about 2/3 cup away) [665], Starburst [120], Hummus & Pretzel Pack [250].

All gobbled down in about an hour, maybe less. Sick ...

The plan? Water. Read. Sleep.
Class tomorrow and maybe a counseling appointment. I say maybe because I forgot. I am slightly losing it but still holding on. Tomorrow will be better.
There is nothing worse right now than this fat feeling. How do the fatties do it? Don't they constantly notice this ... pressure and pretense and such? It sickens me, to feel this full. Off junk. I need to get over this compulsive binging. It's really quite gross and I don't want to be like those people who eat and eat all day everyday. I'm not one of those people. I was thriving on 280 calories from 6 this morning until about 5:30 in the afternoon. I enjoy restriction, it's good for me.

So I'l continue going as long as possible without eating. If I eat, I eat. All this eating does is piss me off and make my brain feel worse. I talk the shit about myself inside my head, only when I eat though. When I'm not eating I'm fine. Well, better than this.

Think thin please. Be thinspo. We all need it.

There are definitely some thin girls in my classes. I love it. I can't help but stare sometimes. Is that creepy? Please tell me you do it too. It's thinspiration and I won't be stopping. I mean I'm not obvious, unless maybe they know they are super thin and are used to the second looks. Whatevs, I do what I want.

Take care. Peace. Love.

Dragons

I just had to write. I spend enough time on the internet, I might as well get my thoughts out there, especially when they're bouncing around my head causing chaos. I had this incredible surge of energy this afternoon and moved some stuff around in my apartment, hung posters, and nailed a blanket over the closet. I wanted to take a little smoke and blog break though. So here I am.

I ate today. It's four in the afternoon, I've been up since six in the morning, and I've had: Luna bar [180 cal], a banana, half of which was sliced and added on top a mini bagel with some peanut butter [250], 2 string cheeses [160], a baked potato with some salsa and shredded cheese [200], and a pudding cup [70]. I feel huge. So huge, in fact, that I skipped class. I felt too fat to go. Isn't that fucked up? As if anyone is judging my fatness. Well, I hope they're not ... because I am, I'm a judge, I'm a harsh critic of myself. I have to be. Today is screwed.

My total calories for this sunny Tuesday? 860.

I'll stop there. That's IT! Luckily, I work in two hours, and I'll be there all night. I'll probably grab a snack when I get home later, but I'll try my best not to. It's just not worth it.

It's a shame really. I'm skipping class for no reason other than I am lazy. I did get some stuff done around here, but it needed to be done anyway. I should have had it done last week. I'm a lazy fat ass, ugh.

Puff. Puff.

I'm retaining water, like I always do, the week before my period. I know it's happening but I hate it! I just decided I'm going to pop a Midol to decrease the bloating. There, hopefully that eases my mind a little. Isn't that what this is all about? Getting our minds to shut the fuck up about our weight? Oh how I wish I had more control of myself.

I wonder what it's like NOT living in America. Does every other country have this societal pressure to be as thin as possible? Do other countries have the disgusting, fattening, junk food that we serve everywhere, making it a fucking struggle to maintain the ideal thinness? It's like being in between a rock and a hard place. I am not necessarily bashing my country. I've just been bombarded by thin since I was a little girl. Bombarded. By thin. Every. Day.

On the radio: commercials for diets and weight loss pills; advertising restaurants describing their specials using colorful, mouth-watering words.

On TV: beautiful thin actresses and actors of all ages; weight loss pill commercials with "before" and "after" pictures; diet commercials with images of all the great food you can eat if you just buy their plan!; restaurant and brand name food product commercials, always accompanied by images of their wonderful food.

I'm not sure that I've ever seen a fruit commercial, like "eat fruit" ... they're usually the opposite, showcasing junk food like pizza, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken (if you eat that, I don't), pies found in the frozen section, and of course, ice cream. TV sickens me.

Everywhere else: thin girls and boys in the grips of eating disorders, everywhere. It's sad but I can pick it out in my head. I see her and I know that she is hungrily staring at and considering the pastries in Starbucks but she'll just order her black coffee or tea and be on her way. I see him in class, sucking in his stomach; his arms are tooth picks, his tummy is not there. I see the group of girls in my work, the skinny ones get a diet soda, the fat one of the group grabs candy, soda, and maybe an impulsive cookie (they sit and tempt by the register), the rest will always get candy and maybe iced tea but they're just average-sized so who cares about them.

Everywhere else is what I see everyday. I am one of these disordered individuals and I wonder if anyone wonders about me. I feel like people love mentioning food in front of me, but maybe I just notice that more than most because I'm obsessed.

I hate food. I hate having to eat. I hate that I lose control in the presence of food. I hate that I have to be hungry. I hate that I can't eat in front of people. I hate that I obsess. I hate that I don't care. I hate that I do care.

I'm sick of it but not done. I need to lose weight. It's not about happiness or control or something stupid and textbook; I just need to do it and that's a fact.

So, brain, leave me the fuck alone. You don't know shit about what I need.

I need nothing.

Note

Hahaha I keep losing followers. That's cool, I wouldn't follow me either. I'm a bad influence.

In other news. I'm hungry! No food yet today and it's already 5:30 PM. Just coffee and tea :) I like this feeling. I like the appreciative glances I receive when walking around on campus or a store or something. People like skinny. It's a fucking fact.

Today I met up with C. for coffee and a walk and lots of swinging on swings at a playground. We had a great time and talk. He gave me a few things for my birthday, which was TOTALLY unexpected but completely touching. He is a sweetheart and so, so, strong. He's built but looks thin. He crushes me when we hug, which I obviously love. He is a great kisser too :)

We'll see what happens with all that, I'm terrified of commitment but he might be worth it. IDK.

My birthday was ok. My friends took me out and got me massively drunk (I didn't puke though *sad face*). I had fun but birthdays are filled with unspoken expectations and the whole shebang kind of makes me sick. I don't want to have all that attention. I don't want everyone to know I am [GASP!] aging! Lol who cares though, right? Just like I don't give a fuck that 3 people decided to stop following me in like 2 weeks. I get it, I haven't been posting, whatever. I guess it stings a little -- but it's not like I've never stopped following a blog.

I mean, it's just ME. And like I said, I have bad habits and I am not a good influence at all. I drink, I smoke, I do drugs, I skip class, I starve myself, I eat whole pizzas sometimes; I am just kind of a hot mess but you love it. That's right, YOU! You, who is reading, spellbound, by my amazing, dramatic, traumatic life and lifestyle.

SO that's that, and I can't even type anymore. I'm way too hyped up on coffee and my fingers are not working. Maybe my body needs sustenance ... well I say FUCK YOU body! You're too fat for food.

Think thin*


xo~Sar

90 degrees and I'm a little insane

I've neglected this blog. My fears are starting to take over, and the fears of actually documenting what I'm eating and what's been going on have constructed this invisible shield between the computer and I. In other words, I had to start a blog on Blogger for a class, and I am terrified that the two will somehow be linked, and my classmates will start reading about my eating disorder. However, today I do not care. I need to write, so write I will.

My life is so full and busy, yet I feel as if something is missing. I feel incomplete, somehow. I have started talking to myself again.
Here's some of what has been going on:
A friend from back home died last week; he overdosed on drugs and it killed him. Here's how horrible of a person I am: I took off work to go to his wake, and didn't go. I stayed here. I didn't want to drive all the way back just to be sad and surrounded by devastated people. I am selfish for doing this, but today, finally, I said a prayer to him. I spoke out loud in my car on the way to school early this morning. I feel better because of it.

I just devoured an entire bag of Bugles. Total calories in the bag? [480] Holy hell I'm out of control. I was doing fine. I had a banana with some peanut butter for breakfast and I remember thinking in class, "I'm not hungry, I haven't thought about food for about an hour." It was a striking thought. I am usually always thinking about food, like what I'll eat or not eat, when I will or won't eat, what other's eat, food I saw in a blog somewhere, etc. So the realization of food leaving my mind must have freaked me out.
After class, I walked around for a bit and ended up at the school store [the devil in disguise]. I bought 2 apples, a water, a juice ... and at the last minute, those damn counter-dwelling impulse buys caught my eye, and I grabbed my bag of Bugles [crunchy corn snacks] [ugh]. I drank exactly half the juice on my drive home, came in, washed my hands [I'm obsessed], turned on my computer, grabbed some salsa, opened the bag and sat down. And ate. And ate.
And now the bag is empty save for some crumbs and I am full, with the familiar feeling of an expanded stomach.

I sit here now, hunched over, desperately thirsty but too high to remember to take a sip of the water placed next to me, and I'm wondering if i'll ever get past this binge eating.

I mean, I've done okay on the eating front, but lately I've been getting these crazy urges to binge. Like, I just want to. Who wants to binge??
Someone who's been restricting, that's who. My brain takes over and orders my hands to pick up food and eat it.

I am dizzy. I feel nauseous and tense and really just want to jump in the lake. Yes there is a lake very nearby, and it's so pretty to look at. Maybe I'll take a walk, oh wait, nevermind. I already showered today and it's probably 90 degrees F out there. I don't want to get all sweaty because I've two more classes today. And then? Tomorrow is Friday! My birthday is this weekend, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Hope it's not terrible.

I don't recall what I did last year. Haha wow my memory is shit. No wonder school is not my strong point, I can't play the system if I don't memorize the teacher's monologues and spit them back out on a test.

I feel really sick. I've got to go. I'm going to watch the movie required for my next class. I've got two hours.

Stay strong. Don't be weak like me. Don't eat food that comes in a bag, it's just a really stupid idea.

It's 11:28 AM and this is what I've ate: banana, spoonful of peanut butter, Bugles, apple.

Nothing else. I will be in class until almost five anyway. I hate myself for giving in to temptation. I'm going to smoke my bowl and think about what I did and why I did it.

Why did I do it? Loneliness? Boredom? Fear of time spent alone? Hobby? Self-destruction?
All of the above?

Take care, lovelies.

Think thin.

xo~Sar